Not so much writing online anymore. Been bottled up inside and then just entered a place where I was nobody. Nobody I knew or wanted to know and that went on until I got back from Berlin and found out my father passed away. I stopped dating and I drove back to Seattle from Orlando. I guess I cried but I don’t know if it was for the right reason? Life was just like this thing that me and everyone else gets to suffer. I guess by pretending that you’re happy it’s bearable. That’s the secret right?
Many loved ones have passed away in the past 3 years who I continue to mourn. Along the way I cut off some folks who I really loved who maybe never loved me. I focused a lot on equality and the more involved I became the more outraged I was. I’m really outraged by a lot of the queer community and their white privlidge. Thinking about white solidarity causes me to stop myself from vomiting. I get really mad and notice when folks aren’t accountable. I guess it’s easier to silence me than for another to admit to a bias. It began to kill me and I became really numb with a cheery disposition. I have been really fortunate to work directly with the lGBTQ community to navigate the pandemic.
Yesterday I was reminded of some deeply personal things. I ended up reliving a super trauma that didn’t even upset me.
Just now I heard myself moaning in climax with a pop stars eyes fixed directly to the camera in protest as “a vintage gay porn orgasm” synchronized to a bouncy beat. Chic? That was I guess my fault for falling in love with an artist. I shouldn’t have listened to that song for the first time or ever really. Maybe Kink made more money off of me or they might one day?
Life is the reaction of matter. It feels empty and dense.